Dirty Lil Johnny

Russ Spence

Russ Spence

Commercial Pressure Wash Expert
Beautiful, beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands
for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother
a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good,Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it
turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night,at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, ****ing beautiful!'"
 
Little Johnny Wants Ice Cream

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and
is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters
the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too
close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you
want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
"Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.
Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.
He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a
cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in
the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some
ice cream!"
 
How to Kill an Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and, like othe boys his age, rather curious.
He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he
wondered what it was and how it was done. One day, he took his questions to
his mother, who became rather flustered and instead of explaining things to
Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boy friend...

This he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mother.
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while,then he turned off most of the
lights, then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting
sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because
he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would,
except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding
her heart.

I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting
and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put
it under her skirt. About this time, she got worse, and began to moan and sigh and
squirm, around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever
started.....I knew it was a fever because sis told him she felt really hot.

Finally I found out what was making them so sick.........a big eel had gotten inside
his pants somehow...It had jumped out of his pants and stood there about 10 inches
long... honest !! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared...... her eyes got big and her mouth fell open
and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one
she had ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, Sis got
brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off, all of a sudden she made a noise
and let the eel go.........I guess it bit her back or something. Then she grabbed it
with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped
it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it, and he helped by
lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and
squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel
by squashing it between them. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.
Her boyfriend got up and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it
just hung there and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boy friend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting
anyway. He started hugging her and kissing her again, I guess eels are like cats..... they
have nine lives or something because it jumped straight up and started to fight again. This
time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minute struggle,
they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin
off and flush it down the toilet.
 
Carpentry Lesson

Little Johnny is running around the house making life miserable for his mother.
She says, "Johnny, why don't you go across the street and watch them build the
house. Maybe you can learn some neat things." Johnny disappears for about four
hours and returns later in the afternoon.

"Did you learn anything interesting today?" his mother asks.

"I learned how to hang a door," Johnny replies.

His Mom says, "That's great! How do you hang a door?"

"Well", says Little Johnny, "First you get the son of bitch. Then, you slap the
piece of **** up there but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here
and a **** hair off there and put the damn thing up."

Johnny's mom is floored by his language. "You go to your room and wait until your
father gets home!!"

Later that evening, Johnny's dad goes into his room and says, "I understand you
got in a little trouble today."

"All I did was tell Mom how to hang a door."

"Why don't you tell me," Dad asks.

"Well, first you get the son of bitch. Then you slap the piece of **** up there
but it's too damn small. So you shave a **** hair off here and a **** hair off
there and put the damn thing up".

Dad screams, "That's it young man. You go get a switch from the back yard."

Johnny looks at his dad and says, "**** you, that's the electrician's job!"
 
Boys & Girls

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher. It read:
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys
and girls," would someone "Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about
this?"

Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and
closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..."
Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.

She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt.

"Take off my bra..." which he did.

"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing
his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to
school any more!
 
Contagious

Little Johnny's teacher is teaching class, and she's telling them that the word
of the day is "contagious." She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence.
Several children raise their hands. "Very good," she says, "How about you Ray?"

Ray says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was
contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!"

Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class. "Yes
Johnny?" she says.

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde
neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was
going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me,
"Jesus, it's gonna take that **** ages to finish that fence."
 
And The Moral Is

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class for each student to
think of a story with a moral to share with the class the next day. The
following day the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzie raised her hand and related the following:
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big
bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher
asked for the moral of the story and Suzie replied, "Don't keep all your eggs
in one basket."

Little Lucy offered to tell her story next.
She said, "Well, my daddy owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken
eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Lucy said, "Don't count your
chickens before they hatch."

Finally, it was Little Johnny's turn to tell his story.
He related,"My Uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war and his plane was shot down
over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun,
a machete and a case of beer. After he landed, he drank the case of beer and
then started to look around to see how to get out. Just then he was surrounded
by 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out
of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his
machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked in shock at Johnny and asked if there was possibly any moral
to his story. Johnny calmly replied, "Don't **** Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
 
How Did I Get Here?

Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
he asked.

His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you."

"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?", asked Johnny.

"Yes, Johnny, He did.", she replied.

"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"

Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."

Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there
has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!?!? No wonder everyone is so
cranky!"
 
Grocery Store Etiquette

Little Johnny and his dad went to the grocery store and were in line at the
checkout counter when Johnny says to his dad, "Look at that lady in front
of us, daddy, she's fat."

The man notices the lady but politely tells Johnny, "That's not a nice thing
to say."

Little Johnny continued to stare and point and then said, "No daddy, she's
REALLY fat."

The man said, "Please son, we're almost done here, behave and quit saying
those things."

Just then the lady's pager went off and Little Johnny said, "Watch out dad,
she's backing up!"
 
Little Johnny Strikes Again

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class.
She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into
their minds when thy saw this brick.

The first kid said "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker."

Another said "I think about our new house."

Then the teacher thought "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he
say about a brick that would be improper?"

So she said "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?"

Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said "Naked chicks!"

The teacher was horrified "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick!"

So Johnny said "But that's what I always think about!"
 
Punishment Due

Little Johnny and his family move to a farm. In the early hours his mother
tells him to do all his chores before sitting down to his breakfast which
upsets him. On the way out to the barn he shoves the cow out the way, then
seeing a chicken, he gives that a kick and finally pulls the old sows ear
in his temper.

When he returned starving his mother said "I saw you push old Marybell and
just for that you'll get no milk; and for kicking the chicken there'll be no
eggs for you. And for treating the poor sow like that you'll get no bacon
either!!"

Just then his father came through the door nearly falling over the cat
which he booted out of the way. The cat ran yowling up the stairs.

Little Johnny looked up at his mom and said "You going to tell him, or shall I?"
 
What's This Animal

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a
picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one
raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What
animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good
Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on
this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and
says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next
she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized
the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's
something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard
 
Scare Me

Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day. As
they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
screwing. "What are they doing, Johnny?", Mary asked. Well, Little
Johnny,being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they
were doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's
scaring her."

Little Mary said, "Oh".

They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little
Johnny". Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell", so he took her
into the bushes and "scared" her.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon,
they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field. "What are
they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked. "Well, he's scaring her." So
Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny." Well, Little Johnny took
her into the bushes and "scared" her again.

After they were finished, they started walking home again. Pretty soon,
you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at it.
"What are they doing, Little Johnny?", she asked again. "Well, he's
scaring her", Little Johnny said. After a few more minutes of walking,
Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny". Now Little Johnny,
being a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled
out, "Boo, damn it, boo!"
 
Betting


The teacher had caught Johnny gambling seveal times. She requested a
conference with Johnny's dad who admitted that he also had tried to
break Johnny of his gambling habit. After many failed efforts, Johnny
one day (after school) called the teacher a hypocrite.

"Why do you say that, Johnny," she asked.

"Because you are." he replied.

Again she asked, "why."

He said, "Because you're not a true blonde."

She demanded to know how much money Johnny had. It came to about $50.
She bet him $50 dollars she was a true blonde. She went behind her desk
and removed her panties. Then she stood with her back to the door and
pulled her dress up showing her radiantly blonde pubic hair.

Afterwards she called the father and told him what she had done "in
Johnny's best interest." The father moaned and groaned and cried, "Oh,
no," numerous times.

The teacher said, "Look, I did this for Johnny. Do you think it was
easy for me to pull up my dress and show Johnny my pussy? I'd think
you'd be understanding instead of critical!"

The father replied, "Oh, I'm not so upset that you showed Johnny your
pussy, it's just that..."

"Just that what?" the embarassed teacher asked.

The father replied, "It's just that I decided to break Johnny of betting
myself, and this morning I bet him that he was wrong when he boasted that
before the day was over, he'd have you lifting your skirt and showing him
your pussy."
 
CHEMISTRY 101:

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about
the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water,
a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first
into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank
to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny,
who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey
and you won't get worms."
 
Economical Emergency Vehicle

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was
wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the
wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Little Johnny had a rope tied
around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking
so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have
there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope
around his neck."

"Yeah," Little Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
 
Hang On Daddy!

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a log of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking
more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break
his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty
soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight,
Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
 
Just Like Uncle Ted

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town
all week and said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the
closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next
door. They undressed and got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and ...."

Johnny's mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your
father gets home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

When Johnny's father came home, his wife tells him that she's leaving him.

"But why?" croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny", says mom. "Tell Daddy what you've just told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs
with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got
on top of her and they did just what you did with Uncle Ted, Mommy."
 
Savings

One day, a priest went into a public bathroom. While he was on the toilet,
he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up and took a
look over the partition. There was little Johnny, sitting on the toilet
playing with himself! Well, the priest was shocked, to say the least. However,
he recovered his composure and said to Little Johnny, "I know what you were doing
in there, and you really should save it for marriage."

Little Johnny agreed to this, after all, it was a priest saying this. About a week
later, the priest ran into Johnny at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his
"problem".

Little Johnny replied, "Great father! I've saved a whole quart!"
 
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