southern jokes and stuff

Russ Spence

Russ Spence

Commercial Pressure Wash Expert
#2 The Ten Commandments of Grits
1. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
2. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits; for this is blasphemy.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits.
4. Thou shalt only use Salt, Butter and Cheese as toppings for thy Grits.
5. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits.
6. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
7. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
8. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits.
9. Thou shalt not put sugar on thy Grits either.
10. Thou shalt not put sugar or syrup on thy Grits.
 
While fishing off the Florida coast, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old guy standing on the shore, the Yankee shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!" "Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?" "We didn't do nothin'," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."
 
lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish.

About that time, a Yankee businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the Yankee businessman to the fisherman, "you should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what would my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the Yankee's answer.

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You'll make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!"

"And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The Yankee businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said.

"And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!"

Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you'll never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset, without a care in the world!"

The fisherman looked up at the poor Yankee and smiled.
 
Did you know?The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of a 'gator encounter.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
 
Now, now before my wonderful cajun subscribers start flaming me, please know this week's chuckle is all in fun. I promise to poke some redneck fun soon. ~Shellie
"Cajun Air Lines"
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying to Mardi Gras. Boudreaux was flying da plane, and Pierre was in da back when da plane started bouncin around and knocked Boudreaux unconscious. Pierre got worried when da plane started driftin, and come up to da front to find Boudreaux sprawl out all over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know nuttin bout flyin so he grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscious an I don know nuttin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don you worry 'bout nuttin. We gonna splain you how to land dis plane, step by step. Furst, how high you are, an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of dis plane."

No! No!" answer da tower. "What you altitude, an where you location?"

Pierre say, "Man, rat now ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Lawzeeanna!"

"No! No!" came the exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground and you planes relation to da airport!"

Pierre, he really be panicking by dis time. He say firmly, "Counting Boudreaux's feets an mine togedder, we got fo feet off da groun! An I don believe dis plane be related to you airport!"

A long pause in da Control Tower--de silence was deafaning and then the voice come back-- "We needs to know who be you next of kin.."
 
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would be Romeo, asked, "What type of man attracts you?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're so in tune with nature."

"I see," the man said, nodding.

"But then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal and I can hardly resist the way Southern men treat their ladies with such respect."

"Please, forgive me for not introducing myself properly," said the man. "My name is Running Bear Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
 
CAJUNS ENTER THE WAR!

The Cajuns heard that Saddam Hussein was going to help Osama bin Laden and they decided to get involved. Saddam Hussein was sitting in his bunker when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Boudreaux down at the Fred's lounge in Mamou, Looziannah. I'm callin' to told you we be officially declarin' war on you!"

"Well, Boudreaux," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Rat now," said Boudreaux, (hesitating) "there is me, my cousin Thibedeaux, my nex door neighbor Justain, and the whole bunch from the bar. That makes us eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Hmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to call you back later!" Sure enough, the next day, Boudreaux called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We got us some war equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Boudreaux?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we got us two combines, a dozer, and a farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Boudreaux, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armoured personnel carriers."

"Hmmmm..." said Boudreaux. "I gots to get back to you later." Sure enough, Boudreaux rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, da war still be on! We got ourselves some airborne! We've took Marcell's utra-light glider an we put us shotgun in the cockpit, and Hebert gots out of jail today and he is gonna join our army too!"

Saddam cleared his throat. "I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, my army has increased to TWO MILLION!"

"Hmmm...", said Boudreaux, "I gots ta call you back later." Sure enough, Boudreaux calls again the next day. "Bon jour, Sad-damn! You is lucky--we is callin' off dis war."

"Oh, really?" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Boudreaux, "we all had a long talk at the bar and Sheriff Broussard he say no way he's gonna feed no two million prisoners!!"
 
russ s said:
Did you know?The Louisiana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in St. Tammany, Jefferson & Orleans Parish.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as "little bells" on their clothing to alert, but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of "pepper spray" in case of a 'gator encounter.

It's also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity and be able to recognize the difference between young alligator and adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are small, contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.

Adult alligators droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper.
Click to expand...

True dat.

A builder that I know lives in a high dollar waterfront development (waterfront around here means that the canal runs out to Lake Ponchartrain eventually).
His girls were always bitching because his wife wouldn't let them swim in the canal with the other rich kids (all of them have swimming pools).

One day their neighbor's Lab was swimming in the canal and a big gator did a 'Jaws' on him right there in front of God and everybody.

Wildlife and Fisheries pulled almost 20 gators out of there- the largest was almost 12 feet long.
The kids tend to listen to Mom a little more now.
 
Funny Redneck Jokes - Things You Would Never Hear a Southerner Say
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
Duct tape won't fix that.
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
We don't keep firearms in this house.
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can't feed that to the dog.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
Wrasslin's fake.
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We're vegetarians.
Do you think my hair is too big?
I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
Who's Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
Deer heads detract from the decor.
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
Trim the fat off that steak.
Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
The tires on that truck are too big.
I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
I've got it all on a floppy disk.
Unsweetened tea tastes better.
Would you like you fish poached or broiled?
My fiancée, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate.
She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
I don't have a favorite college team.
Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
Elvis who?
 
Quarters!
An Auburn fan and an Alabama fan both go over to Tunica to do a little gambling. After a couple of hours the Alabama fan was broke. He looks over and sees the Auburn fan with a wheelbarrel full of quarters.

The Alabama fan walks over to him and says, "Wow, where did you win all that?"

To which the Auburn fan replies, "You see that machine on the wall over there? If you put a dollar in you get four quarters back
 
Firing Squad
A Bama alum, a Tennesse alum and an Auburn alum have been captured by Iraqi forces and are about to be executed by firing squad.

First, the Bama alum is blindfolded and placed in front of the firing squad. The Iraqi officer said, "Ready, aim...."

The Bama alum yells "Sandstorm!" and all the Iraqis hit the dirt and the Bama alum runs away.

The Tennesse guy was placed in front of the firing squad. The officer said "Ready, aim.....";

The Tennesseean shouted " Tornado!!!!". All the Iraqis again hit the dirt while the Volunteer escaped.

The auburn guy thought this was great. When he was blindfolded, again the officer shouted "Ready, aim...."

The Aubie shouted "FIRE!"
 
Can't Get Out!
An Alabama fan was driving down a country road when he came upon two Auburn football players hitchiking. He told the Auburn players to jump in the back of his pick-up truck. He then drove down the dirt road rather fast and lost control of the truck as they were going around a curve. The truck landed in a lake. The Alabama fan scrambled to the surface and swam to the bank. When he looked back at the lake, the two Auburn football players were still sitting in the bed of the truck looking frantic.

As the truck began sinking the Bama fan yelled for the Auburn players to get out truck, to which they replied, "We're tryin' to get out, but we can't get the dang tailgate open!"
 
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