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Russ Spence

Russ Spence

Commercial Pressure Wash Expert
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."
 
George Bush is out jogging one morning and notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box, kid?"
Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."
George Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"
"Republicans," says Little Johnny.
"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.
A couple of days later, George Bush is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead. George Bush says to Dick, "You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to Little Johnny.
George Bush says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."
Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."
"Whoa!" George Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"
"Well," Little Johnny explains, "their eyes are open now."
 
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to F.B.I. Headquarters where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to the picture on top and asked if it really was the photo of Osama Bin Laden
Yes," said the agent. "The bureau wants him very badly."
So Little Johnny asked, "Why the f+++ didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
 
For his birthday, Little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000, and there is no way we can afford it. The next day his father saw Little Johnny heading out the door with a suitcase.
So, he asked, “Son where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait, because she was coming too. And I’ll be damn if I’m sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no means of transportation.
 
Jesse Jackson is speaking before a class of children and asks if anyone can give an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."
A little girl raises her hand, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. The Reverend Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room Little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If a jet carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," says Little Johnny, "because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."
 
Teaching A Buncha Hooligans
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.
"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"
 
Thinking
In math class one day the teacher sees that little Johnny is daydreaming and decides to ask him the next question. " Johnny, if there are three birds on a wire and you shoot one of them, how many are left?" Johnny says none. The teacher asks him to explain.
Little Johnny says, "If you shoot the gun it may hit one bird, but the others will fly away and so you have no birds left."
The teacher smiles and says the answer is two, but I like the way you think.
Johnny asks the teacher if she can solve a problem. The teacher is hesitant because she knows the way Johnny's mind works, but she agrees to answer the question.
"If you have three women sitting on a park bench- one of them is eating a Popsicle - one of them is licking a Popsicle - and one of them is sucking a Popsicle - which one is married?"
The teacher blushes and says, "I guess the one sucking the Popsicle. "
Johnny shakes his head no." It is the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you think
 
Ms. Mary
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
Mary didn't even stir from her slumber, so once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with a pin. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.
The teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time nothing happened so Johnny put a little more pressure to the pin and this time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that ****ing thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Teacher fainted.
 
That Bill!
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because there is nothing to do and it is near the end of the day. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
The teacher asked, Who said "For Score and Seven Years Ago?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln. "
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."
Johnny was MAD that Susie answered first.
The teacher asked, "Who said, "I Have a Dream?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."
The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go."
Johnny was even MADDER than before that Mary answered first.
The teacher asked, Who said "Ask not, what your country can do for you?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy."
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go."
Johnny was BOILING MAD that Nancy answered first. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut. "
The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO HOME NOW?"
 
The Stupid Class
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.&
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
 
Fascinate
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
 
Big Words
Little Johnny was in his first week of kindergarten, when the teacher asked the children to get up in front of the class and tell what they'd done on their summer vacation.
"I went to see my Nana.", said Johnny.
"No", the teacher interrupted, "this is BIG people school, not preschool. We use BIG people words. You went to see your Grandmother."
"Yes," Johnny continued, "I went to see my Grandmother, and I rode on the Choo-choo."
"Now, Johnny, "the teacher again interrupted, "remember....BIG people school. BIG people words. You went to see your Grandmother, and you rode on the train."
"Yes," he continued, "I rode on the train....and my grandmother bought me a new book." "And what was the name of that book?", the teacher asked.
After much thought...and a minute of silence, Johnny answered...."Winnie the ****"
 
A Real Moses
"Well, mum, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and saved the Israelites."
"Now, Johnny, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it."
 
Fish Stories
In biology class the teacher asks, "Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?"
Little Johnny raises his hand.
"Go ahead, Johnny."
"My uncle told me it's because a whale raped the flounder." v "That's terrible, Johnny. I'll have to speak to your parents about this. Let's try another one. Why does a lobster's eyes protrude from its head?"
Again Johnny raises his hand.
"We'll give you another chance."
"My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock."
 
Pee Pee
Little Johnnie's teacher is giving an English lesson; she asks the children to name a verb and then use it in a sentence.
Johnnie is the first to raise his hand, waving excitedly.
Knowing that Johnnie has a rather dirty mind, the teacher is hesitant to call on him, but decides to give him a chance.
"Alright, Johnnie, what is your word?" she asks.
"Urinate," is Johnnie's reply.
The teacher is regretting her decision now, but since 'urinate' is indeed a verb she forges ahead. "Thank you, Johnnie. Now can you use your verb in a sentence for me?"
Johnnie stands up and says "Urinate , and you'd be a 9 if you had bigger boobs!"
 
Good Manners
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies, "Wait a minute, I'm going to take a piss."
The teacher says, "That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Charlie replied, "Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says, "That's much better but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
So Lil' Johnny says, "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to be able to introduce you to after dinner."
The teacher passed out.
 
"Little Johnny's Letter to Santa"
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month, when, filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter.
I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.
I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls do you have leaving me a F**King yo-yo, a stupid whistle and a pair of socks. What the F**K were you thinking, you fat son of a bitch, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole F**King year to come out with some SH*T like this under the tree.
As if you hadn't F**Ked me enough, you gave that little faggot across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house.
Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year. I'll F**K you up. I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the F**King North Pole, just like what I have to do now since you didn't get me that F**King bike.
F**K YOU SANTA.
Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT-SON-OF-A-BITCH.
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
 
Christmas Wish
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I
wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
 
The Thunderstorm
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear,"she said. "I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice,
"The big sissy."
 
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