hillbilly jokes

you know you are a hillbilly if :

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, ****head?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is mobile!
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
 
cheesy pick up lines

You know what I like about you? My arms

This shirt is very becoming on you...of course if I were on you I'd be comeing to!

If I gave you a sexy negligee, would there be anything in it for me?

(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing again? Mind if I help?

Do you have any Italian in you? Do you want some?

I love every bone in your body, especially mine!

Hey, here's the word of the day: Legs. Lets go to my place and spread the word.

You know you have the prettiest teeth I have ever dreamed of cumming across

Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? (Pull your pants pockets out) Do you want to

Hey baby, wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your age and weight.

If it's true that we are what we eat then I could be you by morning

Hey baby, wanna play lion? Then go kneel down over there and I'll throw you my meat!

(Grab her butt) Pardon me, is this seat taken?

You know what would look good on you is me!

(Tapping you leg) You just think this is my leg

That's a nice shirt, could I talk you out of it?

Miss if you've lost your virginity could I have the box it came in?

Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?

Hey baby, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?

Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs...then ask if you can name them. She says OK, and you say, OK this one is thanksgiving and this one is christmas....would you mind if I visited between the holidays?

Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it ain't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy!

Do you wash your panties in Windex, cause I keep seeing myself in them?

I'll bet you ten bucks that I can get all of your clothes off in 30 seconds

You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think that I'M cute

Motion with your finger for a girl to come over to you. When she arrives say, I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with two!

I like your butt, could I wear it as a hat?

Go up to a girl, ask her; "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She say's no. Then wink

There are over 256 bones in the human body, how would you like one more?

She: I can't wait to get home and jump into bed. You: Do you need someone to break your fall

Excuse me, do you work for Federal Express? I couldn't help but notice you checking out my package

Nice legs.......what time do they open?

hey baby, I'm a musician....wanna come over and see my organ?

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket cause I keep seeing myself in your pants.

Hey baby, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that comes up!

My face is leaving it ten minutes, are you going to be on it?

Do you sleep on your front? Do you mind if I do?

Do you know the essential difference between conversation and sex? No huh... do you want to go upstairs and talk?

Since we shouldn't be wasteful in this day and age what do ya say we use these condoms in my pocket before they expire

My name is _______. That's so you'll know what to scream

I'm no Fred Flinstone, but I can make your bed rock

Do you like jewelry? Well suck on this, it's a gem!

Sex is a killer.....wanna die happy?

Is it that cold out or are you just snuggling tic-tacs?

Pass out a card that says: "Smile if you want to **** me like an animal!" and watch them try to hold back there smile

Man beackons women with finger. Women approaches man. Man says, do you always come when someone fingers you?

10 Psycho Pick-Up Lines

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Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?

Can I buy you a spatula?

Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils.

Your crawlspace or mine?

You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.

May I lick your forehead?

Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?

Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.

What's your favorite flavor of wood?

You've stolen my heart, but I have three more back home in the freezer.
 
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